Another year has passed and they keep coming fast and furiously. Last year, I picked unapologetic as my 2019 word of the year and looking back I think I did a good job trying to stick with it, but ultimately not a great job. I was naive to think I could easily change a major habit of mine so quickly. However, I did make some progress! For that, I am proud of myself and am thankful to have the year that I did.
{Need help coming up with your 2020 word of the year? Try this}
Photo by NicoleSun Photograhy
Reflecting on 2019
For the past six months, I have been living in a state of confusion. Great things were happening to me (new dream home), steady businesses and maintaining great relationships with others but admittedly I felt like I was on autopilot. I continued to say “yes” to things that weren’t necessarily meant for me, but on the same token, I would say “no” to things because I didn’t feel like doing them. Burnout ensued.
I became more self-conscious, comparing myself to other internet friends who (seemed) to have the perfect lives. I know that everyone has their struggles, but for some reason, I started to doubt myself and my capabilities as a writer and content creator. My creativity was stalled. Depression and anxiety quietly snuck back into my realm at a time when I was weaning off my medications from postpartum depression. Hello, old friend. Don’t get me wrong. I can still function and hustle to the best of anyone on the outside. But playing these mind games is tough sometimes. (Sidenote: I am doing much better now!)
I was juggling too many things and not really enjoying any of them quite frankly. But, I kept going with my daily habits hoping it would get better. I didn’t have the will power to really change them. I would do a few things differently and then I would go back to them after a few setbacks.
Don’t get me wrong – my life is amazing and I got to do some incredibly wonderful things with my family and friends. It just wasn’t the banner year of incredible progress… or was it because I learned so much about myself? (More on that below)
The day that changed everything
December 5th
A day that crushed my sheltered heart into a million little pieces.
I got a phone call my grandmother’s health was declining quickly. Of course, my day was jammed packed with obligations, but my heart told me to cancel them.
I was young when I lost my grandad and grandpa, so it didn’t affect me the way it does today. I walked into the situation in a bit of denial thinking she would pull through and we would have a rational conversation.
That was not the case.
As I walked into her room with my family by my side. I saw a woman I did not recognize. Thin and frail passed out from the morphine she was on. This is not the same person that would give me the biggest and tightest hugs I’ve ever experienced. Not the same person whose contagious laugh could be heard for miles on end. Not the same person who gave me the best advice and support system a woman could have.
This was an incredible person who’s time on Earth was up. A precious soul who I was not ready to say goodbye to but that choice was now out of my hands.
My grandmother was still here physically. A flood of guilt hit me. Why didn’t I visit her more? Why did I get so wrapped up in my busy life to forget about hers? Denial, I guess. I thought she would be here longer.
The staff asked us to leave for a bit so they could care for her.
30 minutes passed and things quickly changed. She was nearing the end, I could feel it. Part of me did not want to go back in there and say my goodbyes. I am good at living in my safe bubble and by saying goodbye out loud that would make it real.
But, I felt a surge of strength and at that moment I put on my big girl pants and requested to go in there by myself. What happened next was like an out of body experience. I fell to my knees, thanked her for being an amazing grandparent and said my goodbyes. I kissed her and walked out of the room. My sweet grandmother passed away a mere 40 minutes after we left. I couldn’t help to think she was holding on for us to say goodbye.
The days that followed were a blur. The busyness of the holiday distracted my mind soon after, but in a twist of faith, I started to see things more clearly in my own life.
The grudges I had with some people… gone. I apologized to someone very close to me and we reconciled for the first time in six months.
My inability to make choices… gone.
My vision for 2020 and where my priorities lay… here.
Her passing showed me that life is incredibly short. It sounds cheesy but the reality of it is true. Life is too damn short to hold on to negative energy and what if’s? Our time is limited and if there is something I am wanting to do, it needs to happen now. Not “whenever it happens”. A piece of my naivety left me the day she left us and my spirit was awoken. People aren’t here forever. I miss her every day but her legacy and spirit grow on.
My 2020 Word of the Year
My 2020 word is action. Webster defines action as the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.
I spent 2019 talking, planning and thinking about the things I was going to do:
- spend more time with family, travel
- get healthy, workout again consistently to get more energy
- launch a podcast (that I have been talking about for two years mind you, ugh!)
- grow my blog to increase ad revenue
- Simplify my life by letting go of things that no longer serve me in a positive way
- Volunteer my time to give back to others
- Write a book (I have talked about that since I was in Kindergarten)
I spent so much time overthinking and planning I hardly scratched the surface of these goals. When I got close to making progress in these areas, I came up with excuses and something would happen that broke my confidence derailing my focus. I know I won’t get them all done, but I will try my hardest to get there.
Breaking habits is hard, this I know.
That’s why action is my 2020 word.
Without action, nothing really happens. We can hope and pray things will get better. That definitely can help, but the action portion is what moves the needle to actual change.
I will no longer let inaction define my life. If I am not happy with something, it’s time to take steps or actions to change that. I must take the action of stepping outside of my comfort zone. If that action results in failure, I can look back knowing I tried and learn from it. I hope you will consider doing the same!
There you have it, 2020 will undoubtedly be a year of action for myself and so many others.
What is your 2020 Word of the Year?
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